My boyfriend is really messy and I'm not sure what to do. ?

   I'm 26 years old and just recently moved in with my bf who is 25. We have been back together for about 8 months now. We have dated in the past and we have known each other sense we where teenagers. I thought it would be a good idea to mive in with him. I knew he was messy but I thought maybe he would start to clean up a bit once I moved in. 

   He barely does the dishes and we have a dish washer and he can't even rinse his dish of and put it in the dish washer. We he has cigarettes and tobacco all over our coffee table because he takes straight tobacco bong ribs wich I find disgusting. He'll drink half pints of cheap vodka everyday. He won't even clean his closet out so I can have a place to hang up my clothes. I've been living off the floor out of a tote for the past 3 months. He calls off sick from work and shows up late there everyday. 

  At this point I give up. I'm letting the dishes pile up and I just don't care anymore. His bathroom was absolutely disgusting when I first moved in and I made the decision to clean it. There was black mold on the bottom of the walls and bath tub. Even still some mold on the ceiling I can't reach to. I've tried talking to him and every time I do he turns it into a fight and gets defensive. I'm not sure what to do. I can't afford my own place and I don't want to have to move back in with my parents

17 Answers

  • John P
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    Difficult choices indeed. But if you really do not like that disgusting scene which greets you every day, then you will have to move back into your parents place.

    He is obviously never going to change.

    Good luck in life.

  • 3 weeks ago

    Finding a new boyfriend who is not a slob will help you considerably.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Its a learned behavior if you like be him be patient and work with him 30days of reminding him what needs to be done and he will catch on. If not then love him and his quirks . Other option find boyfriend who lives up to your expectations.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Give him an ultimatum. Even if you don't want to go back to your parents, show him that he is taking you for granted. If he doesn't want to deal with his mess, he won't have you. If he's willing to try, you can help him start and then let him clean by himself. He'll have to learn some day, I'd imagine any sane person would eventually get tired of living in their own filth. Good luck! xo

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  • 4 weeks ago

    Never expect anyone to change. He was messy before; there was no reason to imagine he would stop being messy once you moved in.

    Learn to put up with it - for EVER .... - or dump him and move back to your parents.

  • 4 weeks ago

    You are learning what it is like to live with a self absorbed "don't-give-a-sh!t" alcoholic. This dude has zero respect for his surroundings, his job or himself. I bet after he drinks, he is abusive to you in one way or another. And, he is probably at odds with his family and friends, too.

    When you use a dysfunctional guy, just to have a place to live, you have to put up with his bullshit. That is totally your choice.

    Break the chain of settling for a man-child and take care of yourself by advancing your career potential so you do not have to financially use and put up with less than manly men.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    Watch him and keep notes.  That way you will remember how to do everything he does.(you will be as messy as him) That is how YOU LEARN FROM A PRO. (do copycat) That way, you are "Sure on what to do" without guidance.  (that is what you were asking right?)

  • enn
    Lv 6
    4 weeks ago

    First, he does not see himself as an alcoholic. As long as you are cleaning up for him, he remains an alcoholic. So first I recommend you look into a program called "Celebrate Recovery". It is a faith-based 12-step program for victims of abuse as well as abusers and addicts. I can't say enough about how helpful this program is for people and it empowers you to take control of yourself and your life. I get that there are extenuating circumstances, but, say you had to choose between this relationship with him and a job that provides training and housing - would you take it? Because I know of a company in California that is providing both truck driver training and housing for trainees to work for their company. I will provide (safe!) links to both. Meanwhile, you can clean as much as you choose so you need not live in filth. If he does not clean out his own closet, after so many months, clean it yourself! There is nothing wrong with removing and sorting dirty clothes and cleaning them, removing soiled shoes and straightening stuff to make space for you for a while. I don't understand why you or he are afraid of soap and water??  Simple washing dishes and toilets and laundry are sanitation reasons to clean a place. You need not bring in emotional reasons not to clean a place for health reasons. But, soap and water, a vacuum, cleaning the bathrooms are daily and weekly maintenance. Why is there shame in house cleaning Why is there fear of soap and water? You need not advertise, accuse, threaten, or nag him about cleaning anything. You need simply explain that if you are to share the living space you will clean it for sanitation reasons. But, if he yells, whines, etc, like, why?? Why is it a terror to him for you to clean a place? And if it is so terrible to him, you have a power over him. Wow, if he is afraid of soap and water, you could threaten him with a bottle of Lysol. You: "If you do not cooperate, I will spritz you with this Lysol!" Him: "Nooooo! Keep it away! I will cooperate!"

    But, also look into getting your own place. Set aside a few dollars in a re-loadable Visa gift card -- one you can re-load, and also keep it safe in a "book safe" or in your feminine needs box among female product, a place he will probably never look. When you have saved up first and last month's rent and deposit, choose to stay with an alcoholic or choose to move. But, have a plan and stick to it. Good luck, but "Celebrate Recovery".

  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Really think of moving back with your parents. You are living with a drunk who is a mess and irresponsible. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    He is a loser, dump him.

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