Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 1 month ago

How am I supposed to break it off with my gf when she says she’s gonna kill herself?

If I want to break up with her she tells me she 's going to do it and sometimes she even says it when we're fighting. I've trying to tell her she ought to think about being with a guy that’ll love her more than me. I'm fed up with her! I don't love her anymore but I worry she'll kill herself like she said would if I break up with her.

Update:

Also we’re living together. My buddy told me leave and come live with him one day when she’s sleeping but that’s fucked up 

5 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    By breaking up with her, that's how. She's using the threat of suicide to control you, and it's not your responsibility. 

  • T J
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Trust me, she will not kill or harm herself, she is saying it, trying to force you to stay. One of the oldest lines ever.  " I will kill myself if you leave me" And people like you fall for it all the time.  Since she will give that line to you, text her the break up to her, then immediately block her on everything she can use to contact you.  Do it or be foolish for your entire life.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    If you leave me, I’ll kill myself – The ultimate abuse of your empathy and compassion. A suicide threat is the ultimate way to control an empathetic, caring person. If you’re in a relationship with someone that threatens to kill themselves if you leave, you aren’t stuck in that relationship forever and this person is not your responsibility. 

    When someone says, “You know what, if you leave me, I love you so much, I’m going to kill myself.” This is just playing with your emotions, it’s abusing your compassion, abusing your empathy, and guilting you into staying in what I would call a very unhealthy situation, what anyone would probably call an unhealthy situation. This is not love. This is fear. When somebody says that, they’re saying it out of fear.

    From what I’ve seen 99% of the time, it’s an empty threat. Their goal is to make you feel guilty enough to stay in the relationship or keep doing what they want you to do because they’re afraid. They think if you leave, they’re nothing without you. They think that their happiness comes from you. They think that their worthiness comes from you. Their lovable-ness comes from you. They put all of their time, energy, and attention into you to get back what they don’t have inside themselves.

    What happens is when someone goes into the relationship and longs and desires for what I would consider “gaps” in their life, or empty emotional holes that need filling that they didn’t get growing up during their childhood when they didn’t have the right type of healthy love and time and attention from their parents or their caretakers, they can have these empty spaces inside. They need to fill those empty spaces with someone else’s love, time, attention, and support because they probably didn’t get it from their parents. 

    When we enter into a relationship, we might be missing components of ourselves, missing the love that we want to feel, or the compassion that we want to feel, or anything that makes us feel important, validated, and worthy. If we don’t have that in our life before we enter a relationship, we might expect the other person to fulfill that for us. What that does is create a high dependency on the other person.

    So, the relationship starts off great, you’re getting all this time and attention and love and care, and then one day, the relationship might not be working anymore, and you want to get out of it. Now the other person feels like they are going to be incomplete and they are also going to be very lonely and scared, and especially not happy and feeling like they are worthless and unlovable. When you are the source of all that for them, they become dependent and you become drained. 

    When you’re in this type of relationship, when someone drains you like that, you want to distance yourself from them. You want to get away from that type of person. They are very needy, they want to be around you a lot, and they’re very clingy.

    If you’re compassionate, loving, and empathetic, you probably will stick around even if you’re not in love anymore. This is what can happen. You can fall out of love because that person feels so draining. When you decide that you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore and feel like leaving, you know doing so will hurt that person so much that you choose to stay against your own better judgment, against your own personal desires or wishes, or your own personal wants or needs.

    You end up staying for them, but not for you.

    This is like saying, “I give up, and I’m not here to honor me anymore. I’m just going to be unhappy while that person is happy because I’m so afraid of hurting that person.”

    Believe me, that person is going to take advantage of that. Once you allow the behavior of someone making you feel bad, making you their only source of happiness, their only source of feeling loved and validated, once you get into that dangerous emotional cocktail, it’s very difficult to get out. Typically, people who get into that kind of relationship are empathetic, compassionate, supportive, generous and kind, and caring… all of the good stuff. But that good stuff gets used against you.

    I’m laying out this foundation. If you’re in a type of relationship in which the other person feels dependent and clingy and needy, and they’re always wanting to be with you and they always want to know where you are, it goes on and on. You might have to report everywhere you go to them. You might have to report who you talk to. It can get quite deep and intrusive.

    When someone emotionally abuses you by using a threat to guilt you into control. The biggest guilt into control is a threat of suicide: “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself.”

    I call that the ultimate abuse of your empathy and compassion because they know you’re empathetic. They know you’re compassionate, they know you care. And you do, you do care about the other person. You probably don’t want them to kill themselves. That’s why they’re saying it. Typically, they know you don’t want them to kill themselves, so they use that as a way to control you and as a way to guilt you into staying, or doing what they want.

    Here’s a suggestion... Ask them the question: “Are you serious or are you just saying that, so I’ll feel guilty and stay?”

    That’s a good first question. If they say they’re serious, here’s where I go with this, and I don’t want you to make this step one, necessarily. This is one of a few steps that I’m going to share, and it can be in any order. It depends on the scenario and it depends on the context of what’s happening. And it could be this suggestion, or it could be another suggestion. Don’t necessarily take this in the order I give it, just kind of file it in your mind or write it down and go through this scenario in your mind and see what might work best for the person that you’re with.

    Let’s just say that you ask them, “Are you serious? Or are you just saying that because you want to make me feel guilty?” You ask that question. If they say they’re serious, I treat it as if it was 100% truthful, then I would contact the police.

    This may not work for you and this may be something that you have to do behind closed doors. I’m not necessarily saying that you must do this, but if this happened in my life, again, this is my personal opinion, if this happened to me in my life, I would take them 100% seriously if they said they were serious. I would call the police and say, for example, “My girlfriend just said that she was going to commit suicide, what do I do?” They’ll probably come over. Now this is a very, I think, controversial suggestion because what if calling the police pushes them over the edge? Here’s why I gave this as a possible suggestion – 99% of the time, they’re so afraid of you leaving, they don’t really want to kill themselves. They’re just trying to make you feel guilty.

    What if they really were serious? Let’s just say that you knew for a fact that they were really going to kill themselves if you walked out the door. You knew for a fact. That means that they’re lingering on the ledge, ready to jump off. That’s how close they are to suicide. The only thing that keeps them up there is your presence, which means they’re mentally unstable. That’s not mentally well, so I treat it as a serious threat, and I call the police.

    There might be professionals out there that disagree with me, and that’s okay. They may be right, depending on the scenario. I’m just giving you the first one, the most controversial one because if they really are serious, I want someone to intervene, someone that can handle the situation. Also, it gives them something they didn’t expect. If they’re just using it as an empty threat, I want them accountable for that threat, because I never want them to use it again. If my girlfriend said, “I’m going to kill myself if you leave,” and I took it seriously, and the police came, she would probably think twice before telling me that again.

    Here’s what happens. When there’s no accountability, they’ll use it over and over again. Like I said, this is a controversial suggestion. I’m not saying you should do it. I’m saying that if it were me, I would probably do that, because I don’t like to be threatened in that way. I don’t like to be abused in that way. I don’t like my compassion and my empathy used against me. You probably won’t hear that first suggestion anywhere else. If you do, I’ll be surprised, but call the police. Tell them that the person you’re with just threatened to commit suicide and they said they were serious. This is pure accountability.

    It might even behoove you to call one of their family members to come over and talk to them. Again, if they’re that close to the edge, maybe they need to talk to someone, a friend, a family member, that helps them get away from the edge or the ledge. You want to pull them back, and you can’t be the one to do that because you’re not their therapist, you’re not their coach. If you are a therapist or coach, it’s not your job to do it with your partner, especially when it’s that close to something so serious. You need to find a way to have someone else intervene, someone who they trust, who they care about who will come and help them off the ledge. If it’s not the police, it’s someone they know and trust.

    I got the controversial one out of the way, except I didn’t tell you what to say if they said, “Well, I just want you to feel guilty.” Let’s just say that you said, “Are you serious? Are you just saying that because you want me to feel guilty?” Let’s just say that the other person says, “I do want you to feel guilty, so you’ll stay.” Let’s just say they say something like that, or something else like, “I just love you so much. I know I won’t be able to live without you.”

  • 1 month ago

    I don’t think it’s “manly” to find her another guy- in fact I think that’s super weird. The “manly” thing to do, or right thing to do, is to tell her parents and recommend she seeks professional help for her own mental health. As callous as it may sound to her, you’re not responsible for her mental health or her life, but you are responsible for telling someone. She needs close loved ones and professional help to move into the next chapter of her life.

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  • 1 month ago

    So get her institutionalized. 

    Or you can do the manly thing and find her another guy. 

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