Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

Husband calls me names and attacks and mocks my appearance when we fight...?

My husband is very hard to deal with, he also knows how to gaslight many into thinking he's right, at times I feel he may have a mental issue, we have been married for 6 years and have a 4 year old, I have tried to stand up for myself yelled back to tell him stop calling me the b word or ugly and fat ..which I am not even fat...we sleep in seprate bedrooms because I can't stand being around him...i do not know how to make it stop i have threatened to divorce him and take our son...he apologizes than 2 days later has blowing up again over something...i told him we literally shouldn't be married anymore than the next day he wants to act like notbing happened.. Nothing works I can yell at him, make fun of him back but he acts like an annoying 8 year old with combacks about my looks, I decided to write a cease and desist letter for harassment and verbal abuse. That i will mail to him...fighting back doesn't help it

. I do not know how to make him stop names i fight back insult him back but nothing changes...what shpuld i do, police have been called in the past when he threw objects and broke them, and he still does it. 

7 Answers

  • 4 weeks ago

    And I'm sure you do nothing like that as well. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    ***update**** I wanted to update you all. For the person who said I am being abusive for not having sex with him, its more like he is abusive verbally which in turn motivated me to stop having sex with him it wasn't like i one day decided not to...."if a man is abusive would you be motivated to sleep with him after he attacks your appearance? no way.  secondly if he would refrain from always blowing up and get his temper in check and not call me nasty names our marriage would be different... I told him  if he could only fix his bad temper he would get sex daily....but he always does the things I tell him I want him to fix, so clearly hes at fault. Yesterday was our wedding aniversary and he brought home flowers and ordered us food. so he obviously is trying to be nice again. I was prepared to not celebrate with him after the racist and sexist names he called me, but since he was acting somewhat respectful I ate dinner with him. so I hope things change this time,...His bad temper is a huge problem for me especially when he calls me nasty mean names when we fight ...

  • Ana
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    If you’re not giving him sex, then you’re being abusive to him. And if you’re being abusive to him, you have no right to complain when he’s being abusive to you back.

    In order for a marriage to work, one person needs to be the bigger person and do the right thing, and hope their partner comes around.

    My marriage with my husband works because we forgive each other, we always have sex, and F one or both of us has a bad day, then one or both of us will be the bigger person and seek to make up and be happy again.

    The problem is that instead of wanting to make up, you are wanting to hold a grudge, deprive him of sex, abuse him by depriving him, alienating him by sleeping in a separate bedroom, etc.

  • MissA
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Stop threatening to divorce him and file for custody.  Threats are meaningless if they don't have teeth.

    Move out, divorce him, file for custody.  You don't need his permission to do this.

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  • 1 month ago

    Sounds like its over

  • T J
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Time for the divorce. Make sure he is on legal child support. See a lawyer

  • 1 month ago

    Stop threatening to divorce him and start taking steps to actually do so. If he tries to apologize, refuse to stay unless he seeks counseling - alone and/or family counseling with you. Tell him that if he tries to go back to his old ways and sweep things under the rug, you will leave. Then do it. 

    He's not just gaslighting, he is "stonewalling." (If you want to Google that word and read more about it.) That's when someone in a relationship refuses to talk about what's going on, or pretends something never happened. He's pointing out your flaws and putting you down, so he doesn't have to deal with what's going on. 

    He also sounds like he has anger issues. Again, I would suggest counseling for one or both of you. This is not setting a good example for your child about how to have a healthy, happy relationship. 

    You can't "make" him do anything. He's a grown adult and he has to want to change. I wouldn't call him names or insult him, and I wouldn't throw things, that's not going to make any difference - after all, you've been married for years and he hasn't changed - it's just going to be another bad example for your child. And your husband will feel justified in continuing to be a jerk to you. 

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