What do you think of this short story?
He dragged himself over the stairs, he was weary and couldn't wait to eat and rest. As he opened the door he couldn't believe his own eyes. The blood stains on the blanket on his bed, on her clothes, her arms falling to the side. His heart skipped a beat and he rushed to see if she was still alive and called her name, anxious and scared to death. She answered weakly, her face was pale and red, she had probably been crying. 'Why did you do this? What have you done' he kept crying within himself.
He called her neighbour, who was also a nurse. She would have kept it to herself. After she sewed her wrists and went away, he stayed there on the chair, with his head in his hands, asking himself why. Since she lived with him he did all he could to treat her in the best way possible, holding her hand when she had nightmares about being followed and about the attack. She stayed there, hopeless, the back of her hands on the bed. He wiped the tears from his cheeks. She looked at him and felt bad, she would have never thought he would have been so sad about it. 'Promise me you will never do it again' he begged her, his face was still red, his eyes watery and about to cry. After a deep breath she nodded, and he rested his head on her lap. 'It's my fault, I should have taken care of you' he whispered. 'No, it's not, you did all you could', she admitted to herself.
- as_stupid_as_youLv 52 months ago
I liked your story, just the way you wrote it.
- bluebellbkkLv 72 months ago
I can't decide which is worse: your silly pathetic fantasy or your English. "After she sewed her wrists" - excuse me while I giggle helplessly.
We are sick of you. You should be sick of yourself.
Oh - this "short story"? I don't see a story. I just see your usual pathetic fake emo characters failing totally to cope with anything at all. Much better if he just let the girl die, washed the blankets, and struck up a friendship with the nurse, who at least sounds as if she could walk and chew gum at the same time.
- StevenLv 42 months ago
Well i certainly do not see why what you have written would be worthy of mass reporting unless you have happened upon a bunch of bullies.
As you have committed no violation its removal would be an invasion of your personal space.
It certainly is not laughably atrocious.
It certainly does not appear to be a silly pathetic fantasy, and your use of grammar is fine, as you have used it to insult, offend and attack nobody, and i have not checked to see if every apostrophe and punctuation is in the correct place nor your spelling.
What you have written does not constitute to repeater troll spam.
It certainly does not warrant you being personally attacked and called a sad lonely person by someone that does not even know you.
And, nothing in what you have written suggests you require psychiatric help.
Nothing that you have written suggests you are ignorant, nor suggests anything about your personal character.
What you have written is absolutely brilliant, but definitely seek advice from people that wish to support you, and not hurt you.
Remember there is a line, and a difference between constructive criticism, and pure vindictive obnoxiousness.
If you feel you are being bullied, or simply antagonised, never be affraid to report the person, or contact the relative authorities if it gets too bad.
Good luck with your writing.
- Elaine MLv 72 months ago
You way overdid your allotment of pronouns.
Break up that wall of text too.
Spoken dialogue gets separated by empty spaces.
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- ?Lv 72 months ago
This is one of the worst ones you've ever posted, but at least she kept her bloody clothes on this time.
What does this bloke have against taking someone to fecking hospital? I mean, in each version of this risible nonsense the girl is shot or stabbed - now she's gone and slit her wrists, yet it never seems to occur to this moron to get her to hospital.
Again, everyone just mass reports your questions anyway, so this will likely be gone in a few hours, but since you asked: I think it's laughably atrocious, I think it's astonishing that you somehow manage to make the scenarios you present in your repeater troll spam violation posts progressively worse as they go on, and I still think that you're a sad, lonely person who's very much in need of psychiatric help. You're also astoundingly ignorant when it comes to the way human beings think and speak and interact with one another and these posts are just cringeworthy to grown adults who aren't total and complete buffoons.
Try talking to your parents about taking you to see a mental health professional.
- CogitoLv 72 months ago
Sorry, but it's not good.
Your use of English is poor, it's totally unrealistic and full of cliches.
- Anonymous2 months ago
Look, I'll try and be kind, although this really is a weird fetish you have.
First, it's overwrought. It reads like something out of a really bad novel. You're telling, not showing. There's no emotion conveyed. And everything involved is nonsensical. This is someone who tried to kill herself. A nurse is called but doesn't report it to the proper authorities. The guy who finds her cries and tells her not to do it again, but doesn't make even a token effort to get her help for her mental illness. It makes no sense at all, logically. This isn't even touching upon the clunky sentence structure. It's choppy and has no flow at all.
This is obviously some weird fetishist fantasy you have. Find a website that caters to this fetish. People there won't care how badly it's written.
- MsBittnerLv 72 months ago
It's got a lot of flaws and weaknesses, among them telling rather than showing, a length far short of a short story, wordiness, cliches, an absent point of view, no anchoring within a setting, contradicting itself, filtering, and no doubt more.
And you know what? That's okay. The way we learn to write better is to write, find out what's not so good, then fix it--and do our damnedest not to make the same mistakes the next time.
If you're unfamiliar with any of the terms I used, feel free to ask.