Anonymous asked in Business & FinancePersonal Finance · 2 months ago

prenuptual agreement/ what are your thoughts?

Hi all - I've always been 100% for prenuptual agreements. I am 33 female, fairly successful, no kids/ex, no debt, make over six figures, home is nearly paid off and have maxed out my retirement accounts since I was in my 20s and will have a really nice pension upon retirement. 

I am dating someone and it appears an engagement is on the horizon. Like me, he also has all of his ducks in a row but makes significantly more and is more well off in other areas. The issue is his job will require him to bounce around, even out of country, and that'll make it hard for me to hold a job. Granted, I'll be able to get one, but i'll have to jump through hoops as each state requires different credentialing and where I make well over 100k here (work at a district level position in education), i may make peanuts in another state or, if out of the country, I won't be able to put years into my pension or continue contributing to my 401k. The way I am set up now, I'll have well over 2 million stashed away for retirement, even after taxes, and a pension of about 100k per year till the day I die. 

I've worked hard to get to where I am and have no issue signing a prenup if we stay local, but if I give up my life and my secure future to follow him around, I have to say I am not ok signing one. 

I realize this is a conversation I need to have with him and soon. I am just wanting outside thoughts on what I have presented. Does it seem fair? Is there an alternative? What are your thoughts?

6 Answers

  • ?
    Lv 5
    2 months ago

    A prenup can go both ways. There's no reason you couldn't have a clause put in there for you to be reimbursed any losses that you incur due to frequent moves.

  • 2 months ago

    You could pay a lawyer to write a prenup that says that if you stay local, then you get what you would have gotten with a regular prenup, but if you move together out of state, then you get what you would have gotten without a prenup.  Prenups aren't all the same and can be customized in many ways.

  • 2 months ago

    You're going to have to figure out whether your lifestyles are compatible. You and/or your future husband will have to give up something to make it work. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I see no reason you can't continue to invest fully each year even if you live somewhere else.   You pool your money and invest.   My spouse is self-employed and has some really great years and some years that are less.  In 28 years we have never NOT fully invested the amount of our goal. 

    Before anyone can give you any advice on signing a prenup or not, one would have to know what it actually says.   A good prenup protects both people.    What if your spouse becomes a parapalegic and you discover that he was schtupping the neighbor for two years before his accident and you decide you want to divorce the cheating jerk but now he can't work???

    The problems you mention about investing are easy to solve if you're willing to work as a team.   It sounds like your problems are more fundamental.   Do you want to give up your career/life/income to follow around your husband just because he's a man and that's what you're expected to do simply because you're a woman?

    I'd slow the tracks on the engagement until you can really decide if you really want your career/needs to be second fiddle to your spouse for the rest of your life.

    If you decide that IS what you want, then you can work together to find solutions to your concerns about finances.   And after you have done that, THEN you can discuss a prenup that will still allow each of you to accomplish/preserve your financial goals.

    You're going about this backwards.   You're supposed to work together as a team to resolve conflict in a way that works for both of you.   Honestly, you don't sound like you have those skills in which case you aren't ready to marry and this isn't going to have a happy ending.

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    My friends got a pre nup and didn't marry. It's just to keep the finances and property straight.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    There are a lot of directions this can go. Only the two of you know which has potential.

    One, no prenup. If the marriage fails, you may have a claim on his assets, including those acquired before the marriage. You definitely need an attorney's advice on this.

    Two, prenup with the condition that you both stay local, so you can continue to assure your own financial future. If he insists on working away from local, what would satisfy you other than going with him and harming your own financial future? What if he paid you the equivalent of what you could be doing for yourself if you only had the old job? Again, an attorney.

    Three, distance marriage. Whether it can work depends on lots of factors. How far away might he be, and how often could one of you fly to be together for a time? How long will he be away? Is either of you likely to pine away, or cheat, or start drinking heavily? Are you on an academic schedule? How many long weekends does he have, and how much vacation time? I've know a small number of couples that made this work for years.

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