Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 2 months ago

Is it wrong for my best friend to tell me to stop hanging out with a mutual friend (that she still hangs out with)?

It seems that she only wants me to hang out with her when she is present.

I'll try to be as concise as I can! Let's refer to my best friend as BF. BF has a friend (I'll refer to her as mutual friend, or MF) that just moved into town. BF invited me to tag along on a beach day with the both of them. Naturally, we all had a great time and MF said she'd love if I came to her birthday dinner. So, we hung out like 4 times after that time, all three of us. Then one time, MF asked to join me on a run (which I told BF about before but she said she had a busy weekend and probably couldn't come.)MF and I go on a run, and she posts a picture of us on her IG story. BF immediately texted me saying she feels weird about me and MF hanging out without her. She told me she thinks it's best I don't hang out with her. Now I feel weird because I feel like I just made a new friend and I enjoy all their company, but now it seems that I cannot reach out to our mutual friend without BF being present.Is she being controlling, or am I being insensitive? I want to tell her that I am my own person and I shouldn't be told that. It's strange that she can pick and choose when she wants to hang out with us one-on-one or together, but when MF and I happen to hang out one-on-one, it's not okay with her..

1 Answer

  • 2 months ago

     This scenario must be on repeat, because I swear it happened to me years ago and when I told an older friend at the time, she told me her own version that happened to her. Moving on, your BF brought MF into the friend triangle, so feels MF is hers, as you would not have ever known MF existed if not for her introduction. If you want to go outside and play with "her" MF, she wants you to wait until she brings "her" MF outside to play, just like a toy. Meanwhile, we do not own people. People make their own choices. People gravitate toward other people they feel a shared spirit for life in. Clearly, MF is interested in your friendship and as the newbie in town, wants to have more than BF as a friend. So, is MF expected to wait until BF is free if you and MF are both free and want to grab a bite to eat and have fun? So, you and MF are on the phone discussing how you'd like to go hiking together, yet you two are supposed to say "but we can't go today because BF only wants us to go when she can and she is not free until next weekend?" That sounds ax murderer crazy! I'm sure you were caught off guard by BF's demand as who in their right mind would fully process how crazy that is coming from someone other than a 6 year old on the playground with a pocket full of unwrapped crushed Oreos. 

    I would do this. Ask MF "is everything okay?" She will ask what do you mean. Then say, u hate to mention it. Then take a long pause. She will then say what, whats going on???? Then say "well, I had fun hiking with you, yet BF asked that I not do it again without her. How do u feel about that?" MF will probably go into a story of BF being possessive of her in some other scenario and say she thought BF had gotten out of that. MF will say she doesnt like it and can hang with anyone she wants. Then you ask MF how she would like to handle it without you seeming like an interloper as BF will surely want to direct her anger at one of you two. How do I know? Well, she clearly is controlling and insecure. People who are controlling never want to lose control and fight like heck and posture all big and tough with threats etc to regain control as they take it as an attack on their self worth when they perceive it lost like she perceived her losing both of you and leaving her all alone.

    Meanwhile, I always try to see where the other person is coming from without compromising my own needs and boundaries. Look at BF as not trying to be mean, but as someone who fears being excluded and feels one of you may discover her true self to which her true self feels she is lacking a lot, in spite of her professing an image of  fully put together. 

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