What do you think of the second part of the short story?
'Where is she?' he said, raising his voice and taking the clerk by the collar.
'I don't know, I swear to God. If I knew it I would tell you' he replied, sweating and trying to loose the grip of his hands.
'Tell me where she is! She can't disappear like that! You are always here you know what happens in this damn ship and who walks through the hallways everyday. You must have seen her!'.
'I swear I don't know, sir. As I said, I would tell you if I knew it'. He didn't know how long he could have kept lying. The young man seemed a hot head with a bad temper. Maybe he really used to hit her young wife.
As Sean dragged him furiously by the collar some other men intervened to free the poor clerk. A struggle followed and eventually he he threw a fist.
She was right behind the door before the entrance to the reception, hearing his screams. 'What have I done... he shouldn't act like that, they'll notice him and report him, maybe they'll find out who he really is. He'll go to jail because of me' she thought. 'I have to stop this'. She appeared in the room. 'Stop it! I'm here!'.
He couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where were you? I thought you had died at sea or someone had taken you!' he said desperately and with tears in his eyes.
'Don't stay here, it's dangerous, come' she said, still trying to feel affection for him.
They hid behind the door and he took her by the shoulders 'what happened? I was going crazy because of you'.
'It's over. Leave me alone. Try not get caught.
And stop talking to me. Forever. I don't want to deal anymore with you. Pretend you don't know me, go to that one. She is better than. I'm just the bottom of the class. She's better. Pretend you have never met me. If only I had never asked your name first, damn that day I met you!'.
'What? What are you talking about? I thought you had died. I spent days looking for you. I was desperate. Why are you treating me like this?'. He was about to cry.
Marli, wattpad is full of teenage YA novels with the typical characters (bad boy and good girl, like in after). My story is different, I also want to deepen the historical aspect. And here there's you. I really look forward to your answers,you seem the one who understands the story.
- TinaLv 71 month ago
You say you want to deepen the historical aspect - but in what part of history is the story set? and in what country? we still don't know.
- MarliLv 71 month ago
Anon., you, I and almost everyone else who has hung around here for more than a month know that you are writing a novel, not a short story and that from time to time you send us a part of a scene.
Why not write the whole story and post it to Wattpad? Then we won't get dizzy headaches trying to figure out what happened when and why.
I know the story takes place at the beginning of the 20th century because you have mentioned that a few times. Some of the new folk don't know that, so they think it takes place in 2020. Some versions of your story have had me guess that it takes place during the Second World War, or the takeovers in Eastern Europe by the Soviets or in Chicago or Detroit during the gangland days of Prohibition.
Then there is the story about a young fisherman or the boy selling balloons and gee-gaws to tourists or the youth with old fashioned military-style clothes who boards the narrator's bus and is abused by the girl passengers and the driver. All these lads have expressive, sad eyes.
Write one story well and post it somewhere the whole of it can be read.
Update: I am glad to be of some help. The reason I don't want to be more closely involved is that I don't want to manage your story. It is Your story (or stories) and not mine, so the ideas, the direction and the writing should be yours and not mine.
I know Sean did not kidnap the girl or harm her. He is more likely to assault anyone who harms her or, in this case, keeps her away from him. She went with him because she loved him and because he would remove her from her toxic environment. I frankly believe he is somewhat mad in his intensity to protect her and keep her with him always, and that she doesn't want him near another woman shows how jealous and insecure she is, and how much she leans on him. Running from him just because he spoke to a good looking woman was not mature but impulsive. She is at this moment dependant on him because they boarded the ship as a married couple. They are emigrating as a couple. In those years, the husband was considered the head of a married couple. Whatever money or papers they need to cross the ocean and establish a home in a new land are in his name. In her own self interest, she can't leave him and go it alone without money and papers.
But giving us random pieces of story does make people who have not spent months reading your questions feel clueless because the questions are withdrawn within a few days. That's why I suggested that you complete your story and then upload it to a site where we can read and critique the whole thing.
BTW: I have finished reading "Thunderstruck" by Erik Larson. The girlfriend of Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen, Ethel LeNeve, seemed very much like the girl in your story.
- Anonymous1 month ago
Pathetically bad. Your depiction of an abused woman is facile and insulting. Yes, abused women do develop symptoms similar to Stockholm syndrome, but this is just trite and so embarrassingly pathetic it's...just pathetic.
Write in your native language. Your command of English isn't helping, but even becoming fluent wouldn't help with all of the other problems. Do some real research into the psychology of abused women to start, assuming that she's the focus of your story.
- bluebellbkkLv 71 month ago
It's getting worse and worse. I'm actually feeling embarrassed for you now. Please stop showing yourself up. Go away and learn better English, and grow up and learn how adults behave. This is crude and pathetic.
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- CogitoLv 71 month ago
I'm sorry, but your English is far too weak to allow you to write an intelligible, readable story.
Maybe work on your language skills for a few more years, then try again.