Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 1 month ago

How did you tell your FMIL that you didn’t her help planning your wedding?

My FMIL wants to put to her two cents into every part of our wedding. We’ve already told her that we’ve got everything under control. She won’t listen. How did you tell tell your FMIL you didn’t her help planning your wedding? 

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    Almost everyone enjoys talking about weddings, playing at "If I were planning this wedding this is what I would do." It's harmless. And churlish of you to want to take her fun away from her. Let her talk. You don't have to follow her suggestions. You can say something like "That sounds pretty" and not do it. 

    If she's being downright unpleasant about it, yelling or insulting, then your future spouse deals with that -- not you. You handle your family, your intended handles his/her family. 

  • Trish
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    I wouldn't dare tell her I didn't her help... especially not before the wedding and probably won't after either.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You don't. She's not your mother and the person who should be wrangling her is your partner to whom she gave birth. If your intended won't even step up to intervene on wedding planning he/she probably isn't going to have your back when it comes to all the real MIL conflicts you're going to have as a married person. A wedding is just the vows so what you're arguing over is a party and the trappings. It's not all that important when compared to the big things she may try to intrude on later if you can't get your fiance(e) to stand up to his/her mother now. Get this sorted because if you don't she's going to be naming your kids, choosing where you live and eventually probably moving in with you. 

  • 1 month ago

    I agree with those saying your fiance needs to handle this, and it's obvious he'll need to do more than say it's under control.  It might go easier if you can identify at least 1 thing where you'd appreciate her "help".  For example, invites or cake testing or whatever.  Sometimes it's just about feeling needed.  But you still need to hold him accountable on this.  By "allowing" her to meddle, knowing it upsets you, he's putting her ahead of you.  It's time for him to start switching those priorities.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    hey thanks for the offer, but i think it's best if i just stick to planning on my own. i have a certain vision in mind. but if i need any help, you'll be the first i go to!

  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I agree with you let her son deal with it.

    You smile and say great idea, we will think that about thank. Oh what a wonderful idea, but we already booked a reception venue. Take it with grace. 

    You ask if she would like you to go shopping with her for her dress and then have a nice lunch.

    Realize she is excited! It is a big deal to her that her son is getting married. It is natural that she wants to talk about it. Suggest things. Telling her to butt out is hurtful.

    Times have changed. For my daughter and most of her friends the bride and groom dealt with all the planning and errands themselves. 

    Find something she can help with. Give her a task.

    Forgetting tradition etiquette. Have your groom suggest she throw a bridal shower for you. That will keep her busy. 

  • 1 month ago

    A couple of suggestions:

    1. Tell you fiancé to deal with his mother.  

    2. Spend less time with FMIL and don't answer her calls.

    3. Smile and say nothing.  Part of being an adult is not being bullied into something just because someone suggests it. 

    4. Say nicely but firmly, "Thank you, Helen, but Jake and I've told you that if we want or need any help, we'll let you know."  Then change the subject. 

    5. Find a job for her to do. Is there something you can assign her?  

    Many FMIL feel they "know best" and or want their child to have the wedding they were unable to have.  Lots of people are very opinionated.  Them sharing their opinion doesn't mean you have to do what they want. You can say, "I see that you have an opinion on this, but that isn't our preference," and do what you want.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    That is your fiance(es) job..  they deal with their people and you deal with yours. My in-laws for the most part stay in their own lane and mind their own business but on occasion we have disagreements and my husband is usually the middle man or I am with my family.

    Everyone will have an opinion on how you do or don't do things and well that's okay.  Just smile, say thank you and you'll look into it (even if you have no intentions of doing so), then..  do what you want.

    Keep in mind though some giving you advice they may be right.  Many may have planned a wedding before and are giving you advice based on what did or didn't work for them, what they wish they had done different, waste of money, worth the money, etc.

    Now if she is funding any portion of it.. he/she who signs checks does have a say.  Some who help though will still do that and not give any input.  My daughter is recently engaged and I've saved for her wedding her whole life.  I'm contemplating right now whether to just pay for things as we go along here or just give her the cash and she can do what she wants with it.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I didn't. My fiance did, because it's her mother. She said "All we want from you is your presence and your happiness at our wedding. The rest of it we're doing ourselves".

  • T J
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You tell her straight out, to butt out, its done already. And make sure she understands its your wedding not hers, then threaten to go to city hall and call off the the big show.

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