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Is it normal to still hold a grudge on someone for over 20 years?

84 Answers

  • 2 months ago

    It may not be normal for some but some people are different lol. 

    For me I couldn’t be mad or rude 20 years later but it honestly depends on what happened. If it was something forgivable I’d probably wish them the best and still be able to be respectful to them but stay away. But something unforgivable I’d probably avoid them forever, hence 20 years. 

    Sometimes people stay away just because they don’t want people to bring them out of character🤷🏽‍♀️ 

  • 2 months ago

    It's normal but it isn't healthy at all. It's best to let it go and move forward

  • 2 months ago

    If the grudge is the result of a deed against you look at it as a warning not to let it happen again. Something that has affected your life as in stealing your life savings for example you have to learn to live with it or do something about it that might not be so good but will ease the pain. 


  • 2 months ago

    What do you mean by a grudge?  If you are angry and upset, it is not good for you and you should let it go.  If you merely distrust the person and avoid contact, that may be a good idea.  Depending on the nature of the offense.

  • KTJoe
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Not good replaying a hate incident reminding yourself, use that energy to forgive the person and move on. If you can't move on than still move on so to be free. 

  • 2 months ago

    you can forgive but dont forget and that doesnt mean letting them back into your life. or you into theirs if you caused the problem.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    If you screwed someone over and didn't/don't take responsibility for it and you act like it was no big deal what do you expect? Even more so if you go on acting as though you did nothing wrong and act as though nothing happened! People screw others over and don't think a thing about it and have no remorse for it don't deserve anything less! Grudges are bestowed on people who couldn't care less about other people so much that they screw them over without any feeling, or remorse!

  • ?
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Normal, yes.  Healthy ... hm ... depends on how much if affects your ability to operate in your life.

    I tend to hold on to grudges.  My "grudges" are usually about people treating me badly, doing things to hurt me or behaving in a way that is abusive or damaging.  I deal with the grudges by not permitting those people to ... exist in my world.  To me, they simply don't exist.  Occasionally it's a coworker or someone I have to interact with and I keep every interaction to a minimum to minimize my exposure to their bad behavior.  I can think of one person who did something very very bad and very very public to me 30 years ago - and I am still "mad" about this very hurtful, intentional thing that they did.  But the caveat on that "mad" is that I almost never think about it, it isn't consuming me and it's not part of my daily life or awareness.

    I hear a lot of "garbage" about "forgive, for your own sake".  I think that is hogwash.  I say move on and don't forget that bad people do bad things and learn from the mistakes you make with your precious trust.  If someone shows me that they are capable of evil or hurtful actions, why should I forgive them?  To have some balmy, unrealistic attitude that they've changed or deserve a second chance?  NO WAY!

    Character is character.  A person who behaves badly will behave badly again.  Stupid to get burned twice by the same match.

    My attitude is, I'm sure, fire-hardened by the fact that I grew up in a toxic family with some extremely toxic and destructive family members.  It took me 40 years to recognize how toxic my family was and another several years to manage to extricate myself from their evil grip.  From the outside, this probably sounds weird, trust me, it feels even weirder from the inside.

    So for me, I will make my decisions on who to trust or not based on their behavior, not their words and I will always remember evil or hurtful actions so I can avoid similar behavior in the future.

    And my life is lovely and clean and beautiful and productive for it.  I immediately (if possible) remove from my life damaging and hurtful people and keep my distance from them - forever.

  • 2 months ago

    Everyone is different, some people hold grudges for their entire live, some people let things go the next day. 

    It also depends on what happened. Did you back into their car, or did you shoot their mom?

  • SW-6
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

    I know how  you feel.  A lot of people feel the same way, not necessarily holding a grudge but more unable to ever forgive this person or have a kind word for them.  A refusal to trust that this person will not use you again only to get you comfortable and kick you in the stomach again.  IMO it makes sense, but it is best to try and let the memory of the bad done to you go.  It will be hard, but make peace with it.  For instance - an S hole made your life heck while you were in HS, even went so far as to slit your car tires one day, constantly made fun of you to make his gang get a good laugh, followed you around when he could and poked you with a stick, whatever.  Just push that memory to the side if not out of your mind and remember this:  IF it wasn't you it would have been someone else, this S hole is terribly insecure and had to put upon you to make him feel someone has it worse than him, karma is a b____, you are a better person, you have a good life ahead of you, screw them, move on.  Life is too short friend.  You don't have to forgive, just let go of the hate remembering what i wrote above, don't go back for seconds with this person or anyone else who doesn't deserve your friendship, life is unfair to us sometimes but it is still worth it.  Forget this person and go out and have a burger and a beer.  Good luck to you :)

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