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Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

Giving money to my husbands kids for their birthdays and Christmas, but they don’t want to see him? ?

My husband has some children who are 17 14 10 and 5. He’s been through court on and off to get to see them since he broke up with his ex wife, he had the kids coming to sleep at our house. They said they didn’t like it and didn’t want to come back, However they had the most amazing times we went all over with them, they now haven’t seen us in 2 years. The mother never turns up at the meeting place agreed within the court order, we can’t get back to court because of the pandemic, his ex has been messaging saying they don’t want to see him at all...... but still want their presents and money for birthday and Christmas. So on their birthdays he asks me to put £50 into his ex wife’s bank account, sends them a card written just from him and our son who is 3, my husband isn’t working due to a car crash which broke both his legs, he’s claiming disability but he pays for his car insurance and tax with that, and at Christmas he asks me to save up and put £400 into her bank (100 each) and again writes cards just from him and our child! I’m becoming annoyed now that he’s had a child with me and doesn’t include my name in anything when I’m the one paying for it all, just to please his kids who have said they don’t like me. He doesn’t want to upset them by putting my name in the cards.

 but they don’t mind getting my money!! Shall I stop putting the money in for them and tell my husband no it’s from all of us or nothing at all? Or just carry on... his daughter is 6years younger than me!  

12 Answers

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  • 2 months ago

    I wouldn't want to put money into their bank account, unless you are wealthy, and it's not a strain. I think you should be able to put your name on it. Probably, his ex-wife has turned them against you for no good reason other than petty rivalry. 

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    Parents or couples need to always present a united front when it comes to children. It's important that he makes it known to his children you are here to stay and they need to accept you. Part of that is putting everyone's name on cards. I think it's a mistake to put money in the ex's account. When my dad did that for my mom I never seen any of that money. I think gift cards are a more reasonable way to go. You can get gift card codes online now that you can text them or email them. He should be demanding to talk on the phone with his kids to atleast hear it from them that they don't want to talk to him. Sounds like through limited access the ex wife might be controlling everyone's view of each other and manipulating the situation. Saying oh kids don't want to talk to you but then telling the kids that their dad doesn't care about them and didn't give them presents. 

  • Blush
    Lv 6
    2 months ago

     Yikes, this is an awful situation. 

    I can’t believe the audacity that all of these ppl have. Next birthday or holiday they request gifts you should hand him a piece of paper and tell him to make a card and mail it 🤣🤣🤣 no moneyyyy

    I’m sorry I’m so petty but that’s more than what they deserve. 

  • ?
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Tell your husband you will no longer send any money to ungrateful children.

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  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I married a widower with 4 children, 2 of them older than I am. Anyway, the children said they didn’t like staying at “your” house. You say they have the “most amazing times.” One of you is out of tune with the situation, either you or them. I don’t understand the birthday/Christmas money deposited into the ex-wife’s bank account instead of a gift card, money order, whatever to the individual child. I realized when I married my husband that they are HIS children, not mine, and each relationship with each child is different. I also realized that who pays for what when it comes to gifts is immaterial - we have separate and joint accounts. The funds USUALLY come from the joint account, and my husband signs the card the majority of the time. I think drawing a hard line over money is a very bad idea. Does it really matter who does the giving? If you are uncomfortable, then say “no,”and your husband will need to figure it out. Courts ARE hearing “emergency petitions.” If my husband couldn’t see his children, we WOULD be filing an emergency petition. If the ex-wife is saying anything that could be construed as causing an issue between the father and children, she COULD lose custody. It is not easy to be a stepmother.

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    I don't blame you for getting annoyed.  There's a lot of components to this, and I understand his desire to keep some kind of contact with his kids, but he's making terrible choices on how to go about this.  Also, I have a question.

    You're not in the US, but our legal systems are similar.  In the US, if a parent doesn't return kids on time per the court order, this is considered kidnapping.  All the other parent has to do is call the police and show them a copy of the court order.  She'd be arrested on the spot. I'm guessing you have something similar.  Your husband is taking the easy way out by shelling out YOUR money, and this is bad enough.  But has he ever asked his solicitor about her refusal to turn them over?  There has to be some type of action he can take that doesn't involve going to court.

    Finally, neither of you should worry about what those kids say.  It's very common for younger kids to resist the back and forth of custody.  Now the older ones are trying to keep their mom happy.  But this always comes back to bite her.  They grow up and realize they hated the wrong parent.  This is very common. But your husband needs to be much more aggressive on that court order.

  • 2 months ago

    Are you 12 or what?  If your husband chooses not to add your name to a card, he doesn't.  Maybe it's time to grow up.

  • If his kids have no desire to visit him for the holidays or any other day then (other than government mandated child support) he shouldn't give them anything for their birthdays or for Christmas, Hanukah, or any other holidays they partake in. fair is fair. as for you financing all this - stop doing it. that's ridiculous. those are not your kids and your money should only go to your own progeny. 

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    They probably have no idea it’s “your” money being given to them. Your issue here is with your husband, not with his ex or your stepchildren. He is the one who needs to address the issues with them in terms of not seeing him but still expecting gifts, or not wanting to acknowledge you and your child. If you don’t want to use your money for gifts for his children, you tell him that, but you have that conversation with him now, well ahead of the next request, you don’t wait until he makes the request to deny it. 

    No idea the history of your relationship and situation, but if I am reading this correctly, you’re only 23 and have a 3 year old, meaning your much older husband got with you when you were a barely legal teen. His marriage might have been over before you met (or maybe not), but it’s not surprising his children who are close to peers with you wouldn’t look kindly on you. And depending on the circumstances of the end of his first marriage, you might absolutely have been made out to be the homewrecking villain by the ex to the children.

  • i + i
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    Yes, stop. Chances are they aren't 

    even getting any of it since you are 

    depositing it in the ex's account. 

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