Should I confront my brother about an assault he perpetrated against me several years ago?

Question

I was in my late teens, and he was in his early 20's, and my brother assaulted me by throwing food at me, telling me I should commit suicide, and telling me that he should cut me into little pieces with a chain saw, and all this because after I took his truck in for servicing he thought the price was too high. I forgave him, but he never apologized, just swept it under the rug as if nothing had happened: we are now in our 60's, and our relationship has been strained over the years. He is retired but had a good job, he had been married twice, one marriage at least that I know of in which he was abusive towards his wife, (he blames her), and he suffers from a mental illness. I am torn between confronting him about this while we are still alive which may cause conflict and a permanent bitter rift, vs, it may bring healing for him and a refreshing better relationship for us while we, and my Mom are still alive. I am also torn if it would do me some good to confront him about it regardless of the outcome, or to take the lower risk approach, just forget about it, and move on. Thank-you, any honest thoughtful feedback is welcome.

Update:

I have forgiven him and I have moved on from this, but there is a lot more to this story that has recently occurred that I have not divulged, I will try asking from a different angle,.... Does anyone have any personal experience dealing with a family member to resolve past issues before they passed away, what was the outcome, and what is the best approach to do this?

Answer 1

Favorite Answer

Your brother has a mental illness and a mean streak. If you decide to confront him, be ready for an unpleasant reaction: anger, denial, blame. What you probably won't get is anything like an apology or a reconciliation.

I'm not saying don't do it, if you feel like you need to finally get it out of your system. I'm saying to be ready for him to turn it all around and make you the bad guy. It's what abusers do.

Answer 2

Forget about it, your brother has.

Answer 3

Why are you hanging on to a negative experience of more than forty years ago ! Apologies would have been nice, but life is too short to focus on something such as this for the rest of your life. MOVE ON.

Answer 4

Confrontation rarely produces a good outcome.  You can't forget what happened when you were 18 but you are dwelling on it.  That can only be fixed by you.  It can't be fixed by bringing it up again.  Indeed that can refresh the wounds making worse for YOU as well as for others.

Answer 5

So you've been grinding on this matter for decades?  Let it go.  He's not going to change.

Answer 6

Would doing so solve anything?  Do you think he would even remember it?

Answer 7

You've let this fester in your brain 

for almost half a century. Has it 

done you any good? At all? If you 

want healing/a better relationship 

in your "declining" years, why not 

just do so without all of this drama?

Answer 8

This was over 40 years ago, and that's what you mean by "several" years ago? And he has a mental illness? To be honest I think maybe you should have let it go 40 years ago. I don't see what possible good it can do anyone to bring it up now. Getting food thrown at you and threatened by an angry older brother hardly qualifies as debilitating trauma unless you have a mental health issue as well. Let it go.

Answer 9

NO ... are you looking for something to mess up your mind set 

you need to work on your own self control and get a hobby and let all this nonsense go away 

Answer 10

My HONEST feedback (and I come from a very dysfunctional family) is that this happened FORTY YEARS AGO.  The FACT that you are still mulling it over indicates to me that there are issues inside your head which have little to do with this incident.  Can't forgive?  Walk away.  Can't forget?  Walk away?  Can't deal with a brother who threw food at you (?)?  Go into therapy.  You wanted honesty.  That's as honest as it gets.